"Happy Thanksgiv....hey! What's in this stuffing??"

It's that time of year when the TV chefs completely ruin Thanksgiving.  You know what I'm talking about. You turn on your favorite morning show and there's at least two spots a day on how you can screw up your family's favorites.  The cooking shows are even worse since that's all they do for the entire month of November.  Can I just say something?  STOP IT! 

It seems that stuffing is the one to get picked on the most.  They add fruits and nuts, change up the types of bread you can use, make it without bread at all (yeah, I didn't get that one either), and generally turn it into something I probably wouldn't eat on any other day of the year anyway.  I don't want to add cranberries and carrots to my stuffing - wait - I don't want have to make my own stuffing!  It's called Stove Top, people! 

Turkey has taken it's fair share of hits too.  There was the big brine craze from a few years ago, and I have to admit I tried that one.  To be totally honest - it was a lot more trouble than it was worth and I've never done it since.  My grandmother even tried it that year and she found no value in it either.  Maybe it's just me and my mad cooking skillz but I don't have a problem cooking a 25lb bird and maintaining it's juiciness.  Seems to me the biggest problem I have with a bird of that size is finding the darn thing. 

Because my children have discovered tastes that I have not given them I do find myself making stuff I have never made before - like sweet potatoes.  I know, I know.  It's a big Thanksgiving staple, and it was on my family's table as a child.  But I didn't eat it.  Nor did I partake in that quivering mass of red cranberry jelly, with the ribs from the can it slid out of pressed into the sides.  It just seemed like a really foul thing to do to Jell-O. 

I have also picked up some things that my husband ate for Thanksgiving so I don't seem completely elitist.  They're good additions to our meal, but they don't replace things that we already eat.  And maybe that's the difference.  I don't mind adding to our meal but I don't want to change something that we look forward to all year.  I also don't want to spend more time in the kitchen making both versions of something that we normally eat.  I already spend 5 hours grocery shopping and then 3 whole days cooking.  The last thing I want to do is make two of the same thing. 

My husband explained to me that these cooking segments are for us all year long, and then for the month of November they're for the yuppies who have dinner parties with friends on Thanksgiving rather than going home.  Each year they have to do one better than the last year with yet another nasty, shi shi foo foo stuffing recipe.  Alright, then.  Have your gross stuffing.  I'm busting out the Stove Top, I'm having a normal turkey, and I'm going to attempt sweet potatoes again.  If I'm gonna have left overs, I want them to be something I like!

My lesbians

We watch "The Real L Word" in our house (and by 'we' I mean Jim and I, not like it's dinnertime TV viewing or anything).  As with any show I watch I become rather connected to the 'characters'.  I hope they all choose what's best for them and I cringe when they don't.  I look at everything on a third party viewer basis, a way that none of our lives are looked at.  I am never absent from the fact that this is a depiction of real lives up on screen.  I assume that it's not as ridiculous off camera but after a while I really believe this is how these people are. 

So my fascination with The Real L Word was pretty basic.  What do lesbians do?  Alright.  It's more than that.  HOW do lesbians DO.  You know what I'm talking about!  Gay men I get.  I know how parts work.  I know what they do with those parts.  But I don't get what lesbians do.  Or at least I didn't until I watched the show.  And now I'm even more confused!!

So we have a variety of couples and I am deeply interested in each and every one of them and how they work out.  But what I can't get past is this thing where most of them have a very masculine woman and very feminine woman....and it's like a hetero couple cause there's clearly a man and a woman!  And I've watched the 'interesting' parts and there are 'tools' involved and I still don't get it. 

I should say right now that you fall in love with who you fall in love with and I don't care about anything after that.  I've been accused of loving an alien (he's a Time Lord, he travels A LOT, we're working through it).  But what I don't understand is that there seems to be a very male presence and a very female presence in a lot of the lesbian relationships I'm looking at, and judging by the 'tools' they're using....I'm so confused!!!

But hey.  Who am I to judge.  And I don't judge at all.  I'm interested in everything and I want to know everything.  I'm in love with the idea of love so whenever you find that I couldn't care less with whom you find that.  As long as you find it. 

Breaking Dawn, Part 1

I have no idea if there are going to be spoiler alerts or not but if you want to see the movie badly, chances are you already read the books and you know what's in the movie.  It's not like I'm going to tell you the Titanic sinks and you get mad at me for giving away the ending.  If you don't care about the movie then you're really just reading this because it popped up on Facebook and you clicked on it. 

This was the first of the movies that I did not feel comfortable bringing Anna to - and I made a good decision.  She can see Breaking Dawn part 2 but this one, no way.  I should tell you that I only read the books once because the writing was so bad I couldn't do it again.  I love the story.  A LOT.  But I'll take the movies in place of the books any day.

The biggest 'that's not how it happened in the books' moment (at least for me because like I said - read it once!) was the presence of Irina at Edward and Bella's wedding.  This isn't exactly news since the stills from the movie came out months ago.  In the book Irina refuses to come to the wedding because she was in love with Laurent and the werewolves killed him when he tried to eat Bella in New Moon.  And since the werewolves were invited to the wedding, Irina sent her bitter regrets.  Now the reason I am not mad she's at the wedding in the movie is because they managed to tie in the whole Laurent business in a quick scene rather than stage a whole thing in Alaska.  I know it plays into why the Volturi show up in Breaking Dawn, part 2 but I'm sure they'll wrap that up too. 

The dress.  This thing was probably the 2nd most guarded piece of clothing next to Kate Middleton's wedding dress.  And Kate's dress was a lot prettier.  Don't get me wrong, it was a pretty dress.  But the elongated see-through lace back was a bit much.  I feel like if it went two more inches down we'd see buttcrack.  Bella dreams about her wedding the night before she marries Edward and I liked that dress a lot better - even if it was covered in blood.  I can't help but wonder if one of them leaked and they had to go with the other one for the real wedding dress.  Apparently Kate Middleton had two dresses too - but none of us know what the other looked like. I'm willing to bet it wasn't covered in blood.

The wedding. I thought it was a nice touch that they used the song they danced to at prom as the song they ... um, well completely made every single person attending disappear while they basically made out at the alter. Awkward.  

The honeymoon.  Isle Esme was pretty cool!  Not far off from what I imagined.  The scene every girl has been waiting for was proof that I made the right decision in not letting Anna see it.  It wasn't like Cinemax After Dark or anything but it was more than a 10 year old needs to see.  It was definitely worth the price of admission though.  The rest of the honeymoon played out pretty close to what I remember in the book, down to Bella vomiting chicken and calling Rosalee for help when she finds out she's knocked up.  And there was a rare moment where Kristen Stewart actually acted and it wasn't like an extra from The Walking Dead!

The gestation.  That could have been better.  I remember a lot of quips between Jacob and Emmett and that wasn't there.  They had plenty of time to make it happen so I don't know what happened with that.  They briefly touched upon Jacob and Edward having to switch off to either warm Bella up or cool her down.  Ok there was no switch up.  She said she was cold, Jacob warmed her up.  That was disappointing.

The wolves.  For the most part the wolves were their usual awesome selves but there was this whole Disney-esque talking wolves thing that I wasn't cool with.  They had a whole big scene with talking wolves.  Yeah, yeah, I know they had the stream of consciousness in the book because they've got that whole mind connection thing but even David Yates knew we wanted to see Daniel Radcliffe and not some random Polyjuice potioned actor go to Lily and James' graves in Deathly Hallows.  It didn't kill the whole movie but it was just...weird. 

The birth (death?) of a vampire.  It was pretty brutal.  They did a good job hiding most of it...or at least I think they did.  I've been watching American Horror Story so my judgement of 'brutal' may be skewed.  The whole venom going into Bella thing was like an episode of House with blood cells flying and dying.  And I don't know if they did a good enough job showing that underneath the silence Bella was writhing in pain.  That being said - I feel like it followed the book really well. 

I won't tell you exactly where they end it because that would be a real spoiler.  If you haven't seen it yet, wait through some of the credits because the Volturi popped up when half the theater had emptied out and it's the teaser for part 2. 

My official stand is I did like it a lot.  I wasn't terribly miffed by things they did differently from the book.  So far Twilight is the only one that made me angry about that.  Eclipse is still my favorite movie but Breaking Dawn, part 2 may change that.  As we were leaving the theater I told Jim he was supposed to tell me that he'd love me for all eternity.  His response was, "Taking you to this movie should be a testament to my eternal love for you."  Awwww!  Now where's my island paradise?!

Are you there, Dr. Phil? It's me, Danielle.

Did you ever hear the saying, "There's no point in talking to a Stop sign"?  I don't know if it's an actual saying or just something this jerk once told me when he asked if the store I worked in carried an item and I told him I could order it for him.  When he asked why it wasn't stocked and I gave him the supply and demand story suddenly I was the Stop sign he couldn't talk to.  Huh?  I don't control the inventory - I'm just a cashier!  You could be just a little bit grateful that I could order it. 
I recently met someone who I believe I've either seen on Dr. Phil or, God-willing, will soon see getting some well-needed guidance.  It's all my fault, really.  I put on my wading boots and jumped on in.  Maybe I thought I'd seen enough Dr. Phil in 10 years to make a difference.  Kinda like an honorary degree in psychology via long-distance learning.  It seems that I need to keep learning, and by learning I mean learn not to step in it at all because there are people you just can't talk to. 

So back to Stop signs.  You can't talk to them.  You can't reason with them.  You can scream, you can cry, you can explain in explicit detail how you feel....no actually you can't.  Because it's a Stop sign.  It's more than just a brick wall.  A brick wall is hard but you can live with the hope that it will eventually crack if you bombard it with, as Charlie likes to say, torpedoes of truth.  But you see the difference is - you can't fire torpedoes of truth at a Stop sign because it's constantly saying "STOP".  It's not just ignoring you like the brick wall, it's actually telling you to stop.  It won't let you get a word in.  The brick wall absorbs the hits, the Stop sign says there won't be any hits at all.

The Stop sign can be a pompous little bastard too!  It doesn't care what you think because it's only function is to stop you in your tracks.  An especially condescending Stop sign will not only stop you, but redirect you and take you on a disjointed trip around it's jagged edges of thought.  You see, if it were a perfect circle it would just be going round and round with nothing getting solved.  But a Stop sign has edges.  You find yourself being pulled down one train of thought only to abruptly change directions when you think you're getting your point across.  You do this over and over again until you arrive back at the same place, and the Stop sign doesn't have the memory or presence of mind to realize you've already been here. 

Alright so the Stop sign analogy was fun, and kinda goofy, but there is actually a point I'm trying to make.  I'm a reasonable person. I generally find a way to get along with just about anybody.  I don't fancy myself a grudge-holder.  I don't think I know everything, but I certainly think I'm entitled to my own opinion.  I do not subscribe to the 'kiss thy husband's ass' brand of marriage because I believe that flavor of douchebaggery should have been eradicated with the turn of the century.  I value my relationships, both the good and the bad, for they both have something to teach us.  It's up to all of us to be open enough to learn. 

The Stop sign does not learn.  The Stop sign is not interested in your opinion.  The Stop sign doesn't have show any value in relationships because the only relationship that matters to the the Stop sign is the one he has with himself.  He doesn't care if your wife is in labor and you're on the way to the hospital - STOP!  He doesn't care if you're late for an appointment - STOP!  The Stop sign only cares about himself.  He may trick you into thinking he really cares about you because he's preventing you from causing an accident.  Don't let him fool you - he's stopping the other people too.  It's not about you.  It's about him.  It's about what he can control.  And when you finally put your foot on the gas and get past the intersection he'll find someone new to stop.  Because that's what he does.  It's who he is. 

There are Stop signs all along the road of life.  There are condescending Stop signs with a God complex and there are some make you lose focus on where you were going so you get stuck for a while.  It's up to you to decide whether you sit there and listen or if you pull yourself together and move.  As long as you're stuck behind the Stop sign you are not moving forward.  Put your foot on the gas and move.  Forward.

How can you smell SALAD???

This is a tale that I dug up from when Anna was 6 and Emma was 3. In the 4 or so years since this happened Emma would prove to have many more phrases that caused us to momentarily lose our breath laughing.

Getting Anna to sleep has always been what you might call a challenge. We like to call it unrelenting hell. At this time Anna and Emma decided they wanted to share a bedroom. We weren't foolish enough to think that Emma's sleeping skills might rub off on Anna, but we were hopeful that Anna wouldn't 'break' her sister. This was during the time that two out of three girls were home full time so there was absolutely no time to sneak in some inappropriate TV viewing. It was also when Jim was working out of town a good portion of the week so when I finally got all three girls in bed for the night I was ready to kick back.

I was all set to cue up The Tudors or Ghosthunters and I hear the unmistakable sound of a bedroom door opening. Then the creeping of 2 pairs of little feet approaching my door. I look out into the darkened hallway, silently thankful that I hadn't started watching ghosts yet, and sure enough - Anna, the 6 year old and Emma, the 3 year old have ventured out.

Anna: I smell popcorn.
Emma: I smell salad!
Me: I didn't make popcorn.
Anna: Um...well...um...can we have a bedtime snack?
Me: No, we don't do bedtime snacks.
Anna: Um...well...we had one when we visited Carson and Haley.
Me: That was vacation. This is reality. We don't have bedtime snacks. Go on back to bed.
Anna: Ok. Come on, Emma.

As they start walking away I hear Anna mumbling to Emma: Salad? How can you smell SALAD?! Next time let me do all the talking.

My Grandmother Said I Could Shove My Ancient Chinese Wisdom Up My Ass!

During one of my afternoon chats with my mother, she informed me that my grandmother wanted to leave the table-top artificial Christmas tree up all year long and simply change out the decorations. Hearts for February, shamrocks for March, Easter eggs for Easter - you get the idea. Apparently there was a 'dead space' in their living room and with Christmas just around the corner she thought it would be nice to just leave the tree up. Now I've been studying Feng Shui on and off for several years now. I am by no means an expert and I also lack the attention span to keep anything decluttered for more than 10 minutes. But I do keep a steady stream of specifically colored flowers, Chinese coins, and faceted crystals coming into the house. I change the colors of things to enact 'cures', I prepare vision boards, and I say mantras. My husband lovingly ignores it most of the time and I find I can answer any question as to why I bought gold ink pens, or something equally random, with two words: "Feng Shui".

I read somewhere that you should take down your Christmas tree before New Year's Day so that you don't carry over the energies from the previous year into the next. Or something like that. Before the kids came along and probably a few years into at least the first one I saved the tree demolition for either the week after New Year's, and one fateful year I even took it down on New Year's Day. That was a pretty rough year. Then I decided that the New Year's day hangover would be a lot more tolerable if I didn't have the ghost of Christmas past to undecorate looming in my future. So I took it down on December 30th, and so the trend began. It wasn't until I did that for about two years that I learned it was actually bad to leave your tree up into the new year.

Now my grandmother has this nasty habit of doing ridiculous things in the Spring that tends to affect a large part of the family. Really goofy things, like breaking a hip or getting blood clots in her lungs and then really pushing the envelope by suggesting she might have lung cancer - something she still hasn't managed to prove. Silly girl. One Spring she ended up missing Anna's 1st Communion because she had better things to do, like being in the hospital getting injections of Heparin. Then she threatened to ruin my Disney vacation by throwing herself onto the garage ground and breaking a hip. I mean really. Is it that we aren't showing her enough attention??

Knowing that Emma's 1st Communion was coming up in the Spring, I needed to stop this bad Feng Shui train in it's tracks. She tried to give herself a terminal disease last year - I didn't want to see what she would do this year. Mom was no fan of this permanent Christmas tree idea but she thought maybe if she just let it go they'd get tired of it by March. Feng Shui made this unacceptable to me so obviously I had to put a call in to this interior decorating-challenged hypochondriac.

I began with a story that she gave me when I was 6. I can only imagine I had been pestering her for hours on December 24th, and for some reason it was just her and I. I guess everyone was out last minute shopping or something. Either way, I was bored, it was only 1:30, the Christmas presents were SCREAMING at me from under the tree, and all I really wanted was for it to be Christmas day. It was then that she explained "If every day was Christmas day then Christmas wouldn't be special." I suppose the fact that I didn't buy that when I was 6 should have clued me in to the fact that she wasn't going to take that either. "It's not a 'Christmas' tree if it's decorated differently! It's the decorations that make the difference!" I didn't have an answer for that. I mean, just because the box it came in clearly says 'Christmas tree' who the hell am I to judge?

So then, with trepidation, I began to dangle my Feng Shui. "It's bad luck," I told her. Then she released the venom. "What has Feng Shui ever done for you, is what I want to know! I'm not listening to a bunch of old Chinese people to tell me when to take my tree down! If I want to leave it up all year, I can! And take your ancient Chinese wisdom and shove it up your ass!" Alright so I added that last line but you're a fool if you don't think that's what she meant.

She went on to inform me that not only was this a great idea, but my mom LOVED it! Now she gets to go out and shop for hearts and shamrocks and flags and...and....turkeys...to hang off this non-Christmas tree that just happens to look exactly like a Christmas tree. "Your mother LOVES to shop!" Ok, yes, that's totally true but I can think of tons of more worthwhile things to shop for than year round Christmas decorations. Where do you even find turkey ornaments? And what is she putting on the tree in August? Sweat beads?

She had an answer for everything. She had a holiday in every month with a corresponding decoration that my mom would "LOVE" to shop for. I was already choking on my Feng Shui so I didn't dare bring that up again. She already tried to vocally annihilate me the first time I mentioned it. I had no other choice but to report back to my mom and let her know that she was on board with this fabulous new decorating trend and that she had a lot of shopping to do!

Let's Talk Duggars

I wasn't going to go down this road, however after getting into a Facebook debate with people I don't even know I felt like I needed to say a few things. You don't have to be terribly gifted to realize there are a lot of ignorant people in this world. It also shouldn't come as any surprise that the larger the population grows, the larger the sense of self-importance and self-entitlement seems to grow with it. We live in an ever-increasing world of 'I'm right, you're wrong'. Gentlemanly disagreements have been replaced by "Shut the hell up, you socialist pig", and "Pull your head out of your right wing ass". It appears that we no longer have the right to our own opinions because if a large enough group of loud-mouths have a different opinion that simply makes you wrong.

Enter the Duggars. Now, honestly. What have they done to hurt any of you? Is it really any of your business the shape of Michelle's uterus is in? Are you her doctor?

Let's discuss the issues I've heard so far. The first one is the population problem. Over the Halloween weekend we reached 7,000,000,000 people on the planet, a number that is growing exponentially. Considering the statistic that a baby is born every 8 seconds and there are approximately 490,000 born each day, if the Duggars had stopped having kids after Jana and John David we might have gone a whole two minutes longer before reaching this number. Yup. You're right. They are definitely the problem.

Another topic of concern from the self-righteous is irresponsible parenting. Well look no further than Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, because those fools have gone and raised well-mannered, smart, talented, responsible children who have a love of God, life, and community. How dare they!! Why, these horrible parents have taught their kids values! Call Social Services! If you watch the show you know that the older children are responsible (pardon my foul language) for looking out for the younger children. They divide the household chores amongst all of the kids, including the littlest ones who "help" their older siblings by gathering laundry. Now don't tell anyone, but I have my kids gather their own laundry and help put it all away. I've also been caught telling them to clean up their toys and, now don't judge me, but I've had them clean bathrooms. I know, I know. All children should be children and never lift a finger to help out around the house, lest they learn the horrible lesson of self-preservation.

Along the same lines of irresponsible parenting is the accusation that the older girls hang back with the younger children because they feel bad for their mother. It couldn't possibly be that they actually enjoy it, because young adults who care for others just doesn't make sense. I guess if you look around these days that kind of devotion to family in a teenager doesn't make sense. By the time you pry the Wii controller out of their hands, take the headphones out of their ears, and get passed the constant whining for the next new electronic it probably would stun you to see them think of others.

Moving on to another topic - the drain on the economy. It must be quite hard on the school system with all those added kids...no...wait... they're all homeschooled. But it must be the fact that we're all paying for these children. No, that's not it. They actually make their own money. I suppose you could say they don't pay for their big vacations but blame TLC for that. The only way you're paying for that is if you watch the show and buy the products featured during the commercials. I'm not really sure who pays for their mission trips to foreign countries to help people in need but can you really compare something like that to Kate Gossling's numerous trips to pretty much everywhere with her eight kids while she complains about every single thing?

The last thing I've heard - so far - is those that can't have children of their own crying foul or the ones that like to preach adoption. So if I'm to understand this correctly, if you can't have children, they shouldn't either. Um...ok. Can I just be done with that topic? Now the ones that would rather have them adopt... "Hi, pot? This is kettle. You're black." Do you really think that would make a difference? People are mad at Angelina Jolie for adopting three kids and she's crazy rich. Or maybe just crazy. That's a different blog. If these irresponsible parents who steal from the government and over-populate the planet adopted 20 kids would that make you feel any better? And just how many kids do you have? Why didn't you adopt instead of continue to populate the planet? How about the ones who can't have children? Shouldn't you just adopt? Because that's apparently what responsible, Green, government supporters would do.

You know what, people? Get a hobby. The Duggars seem to have one and, contrary to the beliefs of the judgy-preachies out there, they aren't doing any harm to you or anyone else. If you've got nothing better to do than be 'mad' at them for having kids you clearly have too much time on your hands. There are far too many parents out there who have far less children and abuse the hell out of them. Be mad at those people. Spend your anger on the assholes of the world who end up on Dr. Phil because they beat their children or made them eat hot sauce. Don't waste your energy on a loving family whose crime is nothing more than producing more love.

That Darn Cat!

You may have noticed I didn't list that we had a cat. Well that's because we don't. But that doesn't mean we won't line up to babysit one - especially a small one! Because of the number of animals that come and go in our house, from class frogs to class birds (may she rest in peace - and I swear the dogs didn't do it!), we have what you would call very nonchalant dogs. Now I wouldn't put the either dog in an enclosed space with any of the rodents and just walk away but I can attest that when the guinea pigs are out they just come over and sniff them. The same is true of the hamsters, and I really think that the smaller of the two dogs is actually afraid of the hamsters.

So when a good friend called and asked if we could babysit her 5 month old kitten for a week we said we'd love to - because we really would! Obviously we have a thing for animals here. We are now on Day 4 out of 7 with the kitten and she gets crazier and crazier with each passing day. The first day she just hung out in the bathroom. The second day she ventured out but spent most of the day hiding behind the desk and entertainment center. The large, old, deaf dog seemed to be her main nemesis, despite the fact that the small, young dog was more interested in her. By day 3 she really came out of her shell and began to school me in what it is to own a cat.

You see, cats aren't shy about asking for affection. And I've come to understand that it's not always attention they want when they leap from out of nowhere onto your laptop and accidentally post jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to Facebook. This is followed by making your computer go to full screen and leave you wondering how the hell she did it and if you can get it back without having to call your husband and sending a search party into the mountains where he is on your 10 year old's three day field trip with the message "Cat jacked up computer. Please help. Stop." Sometimes when a cat does this she is simply saying, "Oh, are you here on my couch?"

Cat's eyes do very strange things. They have that generic cat's eye appearance, rather like a rounded skinny diamond. But you know you're in trouble if these thing get really big, like someone just hit her with some dilation drops. And the tail...it twitches. It can move very slowly and elegantly from side to side but the very end...twitches...ever so slightly. You can see the her body weight begin to shift to her hind legs as she prepares herself. In a fraction of a second, less than the time it takes you to blink, because 99% of the time I've completely missed her actually taking off from her crouching tiger position, she is claws out and on top of your typing fingers. And in another fraction of a second she's gone again.

You listen to try figure out what direction she went in and where the next attack is going to come from. There's a slight rumbling coming from under the couch, her favorite hiding place. Now you're screwed. She's flying her freak flag and she can easily reach your naked ankles should you even so much as flex a muscle. If you let your guard down and just keep typing you will eventually stretch a foot or wiggle your toes. You will inevitably feel the sting of tiny needle-like teeth as she takes on your big toe. And trust me - she's gonna win. I double cross her and pull my legs up under me. Take that, psycho kitty!!

The dogs are trained enough to know that they don't jump up on the table or get all up in your grill while you're eating dinner. Generally the small one winds in and out of feet looking for a dropped morsel. The big one just takes her old self and lays down. The cat, on the other hand, hops up on the table and surveys the buffet before her. It's when she decides to take a walk down the length of the table that the dogs have had enough. The girls think it's hilarious. The small dog tries to jump up onto an empty chair because that's the only way she can even get close to being on the table. The old dog wanders past Emma and actually tries to remove a burger from her very hands! The cat is now trying to get at some french fries. The small dog is working her way onto to the end of the table and the old dog will not take her eyes off the dangling burger from the laughing kid in front of her. Suddenly the guinea pigs start their chorus of carrot-begging chirping because there's just enough commotion to get them going. The cat spies the guinea pigs, abandons her search for french fries, and sets her sights on somehow getting up on that cage. The small dog is one very ballsy jump from being on the table. It appears that a 5 month old kitten has caused me to completely lose control of dinner!

"New rule! No cats on the table!" As if you really need to make that a rule, right? To the person who hasn't owned a cat since she was 5, yes. Yes, you do. There was an eruption of 'awwwww's as I removed the sweet, delightful guinea pig hunter from the table and I really couldn't help but laugh myself. There was just a freakin' cat on the table during dinner!

I thought about it for a while and wondered if she did this at home or if I had just broken my friend's cat. "Yeah, Mom let's me on the table at dinner all the tiiiiiiiiime," she seemed to say. "Oh, ok. Well if that's what your mom let's you do......"

"Don't flush!! It's not dead!!" or The Liberation of the Female Fish

My oldest daughter wants a salt water fish tank. There's absolutely no point in telling her how much work it'll be because she "can do it". Price is not a problem because she researched the snot out of the subject and intends to save up a ridiculous amount of her allowance money. And while most parents of 10 year olds would think 'Yeah, right. She'll forget about it after a while.' Perhaps you haven't met my child. This is the same child, who at 2.5 years old, screamed for McDonalds in the back of the van until she fell asleep while we drove an hour from a full day at the Renaissance Festival to the Marietta Diner. My well-meaning friend quipped 'She'll forget about it by the time she wakes up.' As the we pulled into the diner's parking lot this child lifted her head, opened her eyes, surveyed her surroundings, surmised that she was not at McDonalds and began to scream again. We had a dog that died when this same child was 2 - she remembers more about that dog than I do. Now admittedly the large Kit Kat I totally stole from her Halloween candy when she was 7 is worthy of remembrance, I suppose, but is it so hard to remember to bring home the darn lunch box??

I digress.

In an attempt to perhaps change her mind on her desire to own a salt water fish tank, I put her in charge of caring for the existing fresh water fish tank. Sure, it's a lot more low maintenance but if she can't handle that there's absolutely no point in blowing an absurd amount of money on Nemo and friends. Honestly, why can't the Nemo just tolerate fresh water? Or would it kill Disney/Pixar to write a heartwarming tale about a brown, drab female guppy and the trials and tribulations of hiding from her relentless, sex-starved suitors?

Well Disney, look no further than the Fish Tales occurring right here in my house. I'd be happy to sign over the rights for a fee and unlimited free access to all your parks for the rest of my life. When the 10 year old decided to have a little sleep over this summer with her "BFF" things went down pretty much like most normal sleep overs would. Giggling, sneaking food to the bedroom, more giggling, shutting her sisters out of her room, deep philosophical discussions on how 'totally weird' it was that they were going to be 5th graders. You know - the usual.

Some time after breakfast Anna (the 10 year old) decided it was time to show off her mad skillz on fish tank cleaning. Since I'd already shown her exactly what to do I left it up to her and just reminded her to clean up the mess. Funny how this motivation generally extends to getting out all the supplies and making the tank all sparkly, meanwhile there's a bucket, all the tank-cleaning tools, a tank item or two she forgot to put back in and a LOT of water sprinkled between the tank and the bathroom.

Suddenly there's a commotion in the bathroom. Lot's of 'NO!!!' and 'SHUT UP!!!!' Last time I looked that wasn't included on the tank cleaning check list. It was the 'Don't flush!! It's not dead!!!' that made me finally get up and investigate. As I rounded the corner, the unmistakable sound of a flushing toilet could be heard and all I could see was four girls standing around the scene of the crime, Emma (the 7 year old) with tears streaming down her face. Ella (the 6 year old) had a look of confused horror. The BFF was trying to tell Emma that everything was ok, followed by Anna's "Yeah, Emma. All drains lead to the ocean."

I asked if there was a dead fish, or one with a couple fins in the grave that Anna decided to go ahead and put out of it's misery. Staying in the tank and getting eaten alive definitely had to be worse than what I just like to assume is a quick death of the rapid flush of death. Emma was still crying, more than if it was just your average dead fish. She flushes dead fish herself without a single tear so I couldn't see why she was suddenly bereft at the loss of a single guppy. "It was alive," she choked out. So again I inquired about the exact 'deadness', if you will, of this fish that just got it's walking papers. There was no answer. "How dead was it?" I asked. "Side stroke?" No answer. "Swimming funny?" No answer. "Perfectly healthy???" The was an unmistakable look of shame on the 10 year olds. "Why on EARTH did you flush a perfectly healthy fish??"

"He was chasing all the girl fish."

Seemed perfectly logical. I always felt bad for the female fish. Seemed like a tank of ill repute, only the girls don't get paid and they're not exactly willing. They also don't wear those cool saloon girl outfits that you find in the Olde Tyme Photo Shoppes. But I couldn't overlook the part where they just committed fishicide. Still not finding the right words, I just repeated "Perfectly. Healthy. Fish." That's when the BFF offered up that they sent him to the ocean. At first I thought she was just being helpful to the younger girls. But then as I looked from one 10 year old to the other I realized they actually believed it!

"You flushed. A perfectly. Healthy. Fish." I repeated once more, perhaps trying to wrap my own brain around it.

"He was chasing the girls!" Anna insisted.

"Boys chase girls! It's a fact of nature! That doesn't mean you flush them!" You'd think that was enough but I wanted to make sure this type of thing never happened again. Here's where you will find exhibit A in today's quest for Worst Mother of the Year. "Don't flush another healthy fish. And let me give you a little tip - all drains do not lead to the ocean. All drains lead to the sewer! Look around! Are we anywhere NEAR the ocean??"

Alright so it was a little over the top. And while I appreciate the girls trying to liberate the female fish I really don't like the idea of killing the males just because they're annoying. My mother is already considering having a shirt made for Anna's teenage years that reads 'I flush boyfriends that piss me off'. As if we didn't have enough trouble with our toilets!